7 Ways to Support Someone Who is Grieving

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

”Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

”My condolences.”

These are the standard responses we are trained to offer when someone we care about suffers a loss. What can you possibly say that will truly help comfort this person?

The truth is – nothing. There is not a single thing that will magically erase the pain, sadness, and turmoil this person is feeling. What you can do, is be present. Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there for her/him by being open, receptive, and available, both physically and emotionally.

Finding the right balance between being present and overbearing can be a little confusing. So, we’ve compiled a list of suggestions from professionals across the globe, with definitive ways to help loved ones navigate through the grieving process.

How to Make Your Presence Count

1) Open a line of communication as soon as possible. It’s important to remember that grief often makes people feel alone and afraid. Shortly after the loss, contact them, acknowledge the loss, and let him/her know they are not alone. Phone calls, texts, emails, and letters are all acceptable methods of contact.

2)  Share similar bereavement stories. Again, this time can be lonely. Hearing from others who have endured similar situations reminds the person that they will be ok. They will smile and laugh again.

3) Listen. Robert Neimeyer, a psychology professor at the University of Memphis, says, “We need to have big ears and a small mouth when we’re addressing a bereaved person.” Encourage your friend to talk about whatever it is that’s on their mind. Whatever it is they choose to talk about, listen with interest.

4) Think, then speak. While there’s not really anything you can say that will take away the pain, there are many things you can say that could compound it. A good rule of thumb – think about what you would like to hear, were the roles reversed.

• Don’t ever compare their loss to the loss of a pet. Yes, pets are family too but, this is neither the time, nor the place.
• Do always remember how personal grief is. Don’t tell your friend how they are feeling or should feel.
• Don’t be overly optimistic, particularly in the beginning. While your intentions might be true, optimism in those early days only minimizes your friend’s loss.

5) Encourage them to cry when they feel like they need to. Crying is cathartic. Never say “don’t cry.” Their crying might make you uncomfortable but, this isn’t about you. Just be there for them with a gentle touch, hug, or hand held. And if they don’t want to cry, that’s ok too. Again, we all process a loss differently.

6) Let them grieve on their timeline. Being present should last well beyond the first week. Unless you’ve been asked to leave them alone, check in on your friend on a regular basis. Keep a calendar with important dates, such as anniversaries and birthdays, making a special point to touch base on those difficult days.

7) Share memories. Help ensure the deceased’s legacy lives on. Share photos and stories, either in person or written. Make a point to laugh with them as much as you can. If you did not know the deceased, ask to hear stories. You’d be surprised what you might learn about your loved one.

Do:

• Say the deceased’s name.
• Be specific when offering to help. Find out what needs aren’t being met and focus on those.
• Offer to help with paperwork, bills, and opening the mail. These tasks can feel daunting for someone in mourning.
• Offer to accompany them to sign the death certificate.
• Make them laugh any chance you get.

Don’t

• Offer to help and not follow through.
• Force your help. If alone time is what your friend needs, give it to them.
• Bring up religion or say things like “He’s in a better place now.”
• Send flowers right away. Wait a few months, when everything has died down. You have no idea what such a simple act of kindness can do for someone who is trying to get used to their “new normal.”